I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
