note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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