Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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