I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
