R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
wat bout pragnant strippers??
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize