i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
