I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
