He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Do you have feelings for this penis?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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