I wanna passion pit in your ass
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Of course I have a pirate flag
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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