Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I want to be your penis for a week.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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