So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
