Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
