i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
