Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
