At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
