She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
