Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
