my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
