If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
