you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
