I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
sarcasm needs its own font
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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