I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
