i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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