My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
