I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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