If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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