Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
