I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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