I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
