A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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