she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
