Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
