Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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