I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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