So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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