I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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