so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
