i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
