i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
