I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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