he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
