good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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