I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
