I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
