Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
