how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
