i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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