im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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