I'm sorry my penis didn't work
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
