i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I am one with the molecules
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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