I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
