I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
