Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize