We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
