hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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