yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
