Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
