Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize