I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My balls are so social today.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Randomize
