Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
