i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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