Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
